It really is all going horribly wrong at Chelsea, what with them being five points off the top and there being only 108 points to play for. Thankfully José Mourinho has a plan to sort it all out. Not content with bringing Pedro in from Barcelona for £21.2m and Baba Rahman in from Augsburg for £21.7m, he’ll also scoop another £40m out of the underground reservoir at Stamford Bridge to make Everton’sJohn Stones his new David Luiz, dribbling dangerously out of defence so often that teams forget they are playing Chelsea, loosen up and allow Eden Hazard, Pedro and Diego Costa to score three hat-tricks each. Mourinho knows all about Muhammad Ali’s tactics at the Rumble in the Jungle.
But first he needs a fall-guy. Step forward Branislav Ivanovic who, after watching Jefferson Montero and Raheem Sterling run rings round him for the past two matches, is so discombobulated he could be sold to Bayern Munich without realising what’s happened until he sees Mario Götze waving his arms around like a maniac asking him for the ball. Willian and Juan Cuadrado will also be told to do one. The Brazilian will be reminded that Paris is lovely this time of year while the Colombian will be packed off back to Italy with instructions to find the first touch he left behind when he joined Chelsea. Juventus may help him locate it.
And while we’re on the subject of rejection, Manchester United have been left feeling desperate and alone after being told that not only is Bayern Munich’sThomas Müller not for sale – even at £60m – but neither is Southampton’s Sadio Mané. Well, not until £15m arrives at St Mary’s anyway. They really ought to build a tunnel from Southampton to the north-west.
But hang on, Nicolás Gaitán, who was a Rumour Mill regular back in 2012, is back on the menu. He’s got antennae twitching at Manchester United and Liverpoolafter deciding not to go into early retirement at Al-Ahli and instead continue to be a full-functioning footballer somewhere competitive. The 27-year-old Benfica winger apparently has a £24m release clause. Expect United to throw some lolly the way of the Portuguese champions to trigger it.
Real Madrid have accepted a £48m offer from Arsenal for Karim Benzema. Take that with a pinch of salt so big you could grit the length of the M6 motorway with it. Why? Because so says Rodney Marsh. “I had a phone call from a mate of mine, and he’s been right on many things, and he said that he believes Real Madrid have accepted a bid somewhere in the region of £48m for Benzema from Arsenal,” he said on some radio station or other. “In the past this guy has always been right, he’s never been wrong yet, so we’ll have to wait and see.”
Wolfsburg have stuck a £57m price tag on teenage-boy-masquerading-in-a-man’s-body, Kevin De Bruyne. Yes, that’s right. Even Manchester Citybeancounters would balk at that wouldn’t they? Although they are willing to part with £32m for Nicolas Otamendi who will take his Hoxton beard for a medical at the Etihad in the next 24 hours. The Valencia centre-back may well see Eliaquim Mangala sobbing in a corner as he turns up.
Virgil van Dijk still hasn’t left Celtic despite being linked with every football club in the world. His over exuberant display last night hasn’t put Stoke and Lille off wanting a piece of the big centre-back for £12m. An agonising Champions League defeat at Malmo next week will likely help him to move on from Rumour Mill purgatory.
After the disaster that was Antolín Alcaraz, Roberto Martínez is determined to prove to Everton fans that he can actually sign a decent South American centre-back. He’s got eyes for River Plate’s 24-year-old Argentina defender (well, he’s won one cap) Ramiro Funes Mori. Expect him to turn up at Speke airport looking slightly bewildered when Bill Kenwright has remembered where he put his chequebook and been persuaded to write ‘Five million pounds only’ on it.
Elsewhere, Galatasaray have laughed off West Ham’s £3.5m bid for Turkey strikerBurak Yilmaz, Spurs will not sell Federico Fazio to West Brom unless Saido Berahino is released from Tony Pulis’s sleeper hold and Bolton have told Norwichthat Benik Afobe will not be going to Norfolk to be the new Ricky van Wolfswinkel.
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