Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign £22m Grzegorz Krychowiak?

Extraordinary circumstances call for exceptional measures, so for once the Mill is not going to start off by giving you the lowdown on impending moves and upcoming shakes among players. Nope, dear reader, not today because now Eva Carneiro has been taken off the Chelsea bench, there is a void that needs filling. Will José Mourinho chase after Manchester United’s genius-with-a-sponge Steve McNally? Or will he shock world football by nicking Arsenal’s busy magic sprayer Colin Lewin and trusty doc Gary O’Driscoll? Could he get up Rafa Benítez’s nose by pinching Jesús Olmo from Real Madrid? Or perhaps due to the Mill previously focusing all its resources on players, we have missed out on Chelsea having a promising medic on loan at Vitesse Arnhem?

Either way, let’s just hope this is settled before deadline day because nobody wants Jim White guffawing over the talents of doctors when he could be giving us the lowdown on which right-back is joining Portsmouth on loan from Bournemouth and which goalkeeper is making the trip from Chesterfield to Crewe.

Not content with luring former Barcelona players Marc Muniesa, Bojan Krkic, Ibrahim Affelay and Moha El Ouriachi, Stoke City’s Mark Hughes has decided he wants another Camp Nou fringe player and, having lost out on Aston Villa-bound Adama Traoré, is tempted to scoop Manchester United by luring Pedro to the Britannia. Hughes thinks guaranteeing the attacker with an endless supply of Staffordshire oatcakes and a season pass for nearby Alton Towers will be enough. Although due to an already packed squad he is unable to offer Pedro what he really craves – more minutes – and that could be a stumbling block.

Still reeling from being dismantled by West Ham on Sunday, Arsène Wenger may have finally realised he could do with midfield reinforcements and is set to splash £22m of Stan Kroenke’s cash for Sevilla’s Polish marauder Grzegorz Krychowiak.

Fabio Borini is fed up with not getting a look-in at Liverpool and reckons he looks good in violet so is off to Fiorentina. Across Stanley Park there is movement too. Not yet resigned to losing John Stones to Chelsea, Roberto Martínez is going back to the, er, Oakwell to tempt another youngBarnsley defender to Everton, 18-year-old Mason Holgate. And finally, after failing to agree terms with West Ham, Joey Barton has been linked with a move to Paris – having been down and out in London, the George Orwell fan is keen to complete the set, but is unlikely to be cleaning dishes at Auberge de Jehan Cottard as it is closed down.